Not How I Imagined it Would Be
by kaylap1410
Summary: One-shot fanfic of Jace and Clary's wedding five years in the future. Clarissa Fray never imagined her wedding to be like this. It wasn't a Fairytale. It was better. "I loved him yesterday. I loved him still. I have and always will"


**So this is a one-shot of Jace and Clary's wedding. I am making some inferences on City of Heavenly Fire. It's not that I truly believe those and only those people will die (I actually believe that Simon will live and Jace might die) but in the purpose of making the story how I like it, I am just saying that. This is strictly a one-shot and I will not expand upon it. It is just so I can start writing lover and deeper stuff than where my other fanfiction is at right now. If you like my writing, I recommend reading my other fanfiction, Why Fireflies Flash. Hope you like it and review and favorite. It would make my day! ;)**

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My heart beat fast. I hadn't imagined this. I hadn't imagined I would be standing here. I hadn't imagined I would be wearing this. I hadn't imagined I would have felt this way. My heart simply could not stop beating. This was it. After years of begging and asking, I finally ended up here. It was totally not what I had imagined it would be. When I was younger, I imagined waking up in the morning with a smile on my face, knowing that within a few hours, I would no longer just belong to me. I was wrong. I woke up this morning crying. The weren't tears of regret or pain though. They were tears of love. Because when I woke up that morning my only thought was why it took me so long to say yes. Why I didn't do this earlier. Why I was so afraid to sell myself away to someone for the rest of my life. I couldn't live without him. And didn't even want to. I wanted to wake up to his golden eyes everyday. I wanted his lips to be the last I would ever touch. I wanted him to stroke my hair when I cried and hug me when I laughed. I wanted him to protect me to be by my side as we fought for the world to keep living. For the world not to be consumed by darkness. I wanted his snarky responses and his demanding hormones. I wanted his conceded personality and his suicidal thoughts. I wanted everything that was bad about him because without them I wouldn't have him. And I loved him. I loved everything about him.  
When I was younger, I imagined we would go to the beach. We would become one among the sand, under the sun, with the sound of waves breaking in the background. I was wrong. We were in Idris, the Shadowhunter capital where Jace first confessed his love for me. Where for the first time, we could be together. The wedding would take place on the beach of the lake. The lake that I almost died in and by. The lake where Jace did die by and I asked the Angel to bring him back to me. Where Valentine, my father, died and did not come back. History was written upon those shores, it only seemed right that we'd add some more.  
When I was younger, I imagined I would wear a white wedding dress. It would have lace and would be long and beautiful. My mom and I would go shopping for it and she would help me get ready. I was wrong. I instead wore gold, the color for Shadowhunters signaled two people coming together. The fact I was wearing it gold symbolized who I was now. It was hard to believe it was only five years ago when I bumped into Jace, Alec, and Izzy in that club. Whether it was fate or luck that I found them then, I was now apart of their lives forever and they were apart of mine. I was a Shadowhunter and I wasn't going back to becoming the clueless mundane I once was. Jocelyn was died. I woke up some nights screaming for my mother, wishing that Sebastian had ran his knife through her chest. Wishing that I hadn't seen the entire thing. And lately, wishing I would have my mom here for my wedding. Luke was the only family I had left. He and I need each other to get rid of the grief of losing everyone. But Isabelle Lightwood was an angel sent from Heaven above. She woke me up that morning and got me in my dress, precisely placed makeup on my face, and fixed my hair nicely. Looking in the mirror I knew she had done a perfect job. The person standing in front of me was beautiful but not unrecognizable. Just like he liked it. Just like I liked it.  
When I was younger, I imagined a lot of people to be there. I wanted everyone I've ever met to watch me on one of the most important days of my life. I wanted everyone to start clapping as I kissed him and for me to feel completely loved. I was wrong. I didn't need hundreds of people watching us for me to feel loved. I looked over and realized, I only needed the people I truly loved there to make me feel special. Luke was sitting and smiling like my father. He pretty much was. If I had to choose between him and my real father, I would pick him everyday. He started to cry, which proved why I still needed him. He cried because he knew that today would be the last time I would be called Clary Fray. The last day where the name Fray would be used.  
Then there was Izzy. We may not have had a bright start to our friendship, but she was my best friend. The person I could go to if I ever wanted to talk about anything. Last year, I was surprised when she asked me to be her parabati. I never imagined she would since I wasn't as a talented Shadowhunter like Jace and her. I lightly touched the mark that bonded me to her, knowing that within a few moments, I would be creating another mark that bonded me to someone else. Izzy was crying also, but not for the same reasons Luke was. Isabelle knew how much Simon would have wanted to see this. I was his best friend before he gave his life to stop Sebastian. I let a tear scrap down my cheek as I looked up towards the sky. Maybe they were watching me. Maybe they were crying as well. That's all I needed to believe, whether it was true or not.  
Alec and I grew to love each other. When I first met him, he hated me because I had finally done the impossible. I had caught Jace's eye and Alec knew that his brother was falling for me. Alec thought he loved Jace then but it excused him from ever loving anyone else. Magnus Bane, whom had left us all and moved to Fiji shortly after the war against Sebastian, was a blessing in disguised for Alec. He showed Alec what love was and Alec finally admitted that Jace was only a brother to him. Alec and I have been close ever since. As I joined the Lightwood family slowly but surely, he became like a brother to me. I needed him as much as Jace needed him. He did not cry like his sister. Instead he smiled probably the largest smile I've ever seen him smile. It made me smile.  
Of course there was other people there. Maryse and Robert Lightwood smiled, holding hands. After the second war that year, they patched up there marriage and now they were here to support they're adoptive son. There was a few council members here watching us. I recognized most of them due to me drawing runes to add to the Gray book. Then there was the Penhallows who had been good friends with us lately. Aline winked at me and she snuggled up to her girlfriend's shoulder. Helen had brought her family down from LA as well. Emma was Jace's biggest fan and was constantly talking with him about demons and shadowhunting. Then there was Tessa who had done all the Shadowhunter rituals to me when I was young. My mother choose the name Fray as a combination of Fairchild and Gray. She had known William Herondale better than anyone and although Brother Zachariah could not be here to watch Jace, it meant a lot that she came.

When I was younger, I imagined this perfect man. He had brown hair and brown eyes and as I walked down the aisle, he would smile slightly at me. But once more I was wrong. Jace was not anywhere close to perfect. He was stubborn and frustrating and sometimes I wanted to pull my hair out because of him. Because he didn't know how important he was to everyone around him. Because he was reckless and did stupid things that almost lead me to loose him. Jace wasn't perfect. He was better. I now realized perfection can't exist completely without loosing passion and love. Jace and I loved each other more than anything. He was my heart that kept me alive, that kept blood moving throughout my body. Whenever I felt helpless or alone, he was always there to hold me in his arms and realize that I couldn't be loved anymore than I already was. I loved him. He was the reason I would wake up in the morning and deal with the day after I had lost so much. He was reason why I still laughed. Why I still smiled. Why I still loved. He constantly needed reminding that he deserved me, that I loved him. He constantly needed to be reminded that he was good, that he was nothing like the man who raised him. But reminding him was what I needed. Because reminding him reminded me. And every time he would place me in his lap and ask me if I loved him, I would take a moment and realize I really did. I didn't say it out of habit. I loved him and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I looked over at him and smiled slightly. He did not smile at me as I started to walk toward him. He looked at me with overwhelming love. And in his eyes I knew he could not love anything more than me, right now.  
No. My wedding was nothing like I imagined it would be. It was better. Much took my hands and whispered in my hear gently, "You look so beautiful. I love you so much." I nodded at him as he turn and spoke out loud.  
"Clarissa Adele Morgenstern Fairchild Fray," he started with a laugh, "all my life before I met you, I had been searching. Searching for something that made me feel like I was worth it. Something that made me feel alive. I remember the first time I saw you at that club. Isabelle, Alec and I were there to hunt down a demon but I had no clue then it would lead to something more. You didn't know about our world before then but you followed us into that storage closet and stood up against us. Even if you were clueless and weaponless and I was locked and loaded. You stood up for what you thought was right and even though at the time I believed you were a mundane, you were the bravest person I've ever seen. I didn't know it until later, but at that moment, the very first moment I met you, I was a goner. You were all I could think about, all I could talk about. When I told my instructor of your appearance, I had to be the one to take you to the institute. I had to be the one who introduced you to my world. You were the only girl that I ever really wanted in my world. The only girl I ever really need in my world.  
When I saw in that stupid coffee shop talking to Simon, as you're best friend finally was ready to admit his true love for you, I had the strangest want to go punch him in the face for talking to you. For loving you. How could anyone love you when all I wanted was you to be mine. I longed to be in that both next to you. To hold your hand in public and kiss you and love you. Like this mundane could. Like this mundane was trying to do. I was jealous. As I am jealous when you speak to anyone that is not myself. Because if it was up to me, I would take you to a deserted island where it was just you and me. Where only I could have you. Because you are mine and that's all I want.  
Then there was a time when we were lied to and deceived. We believed we were brother and sister and when Valentine spoke those words my heart dropped. How could the one person who I whole-heartily cared about from within the first moment I saw them, be related to me? How was that fair? What did I do to deserved that? I then thought that maybe knowing that I could never be fully yours would mean I would stop feeling the way I did about you. But I only realized the more I saw you, the more I spoke to you, the harder I fell. My heart would start beating faster when you were in the room and all I wanted was to touch you, to kiss you. There was a time where I believed that I would never get to kiss you again. After we kissed at midnight in the greenhouse on your birthday, I finally knew that you were different. And it took seeing you that day when you came to save me from Valentine, that I knew I loved you. And if I never got to kiss you again, I would have gone crazy with want. Want for you. Even if I could kiss you forever, it wouldn't be enough. And I hated myself for wanting you that way. I was your brother, the very person who should want to protect you from stupid hormonal boys like myself. And all I wanted was to be your lover not your brother.  
Then heaven blessed us finally when I did not end up being your brother. That every word, every story, was a lie, a plot to keep us from the truth. To keep us in agony. But the moment Isabelle told me the truth, that I was not related to you or any of the Morgensterns, my heart felt whole once more. I knew that if I could just make it out alive, I could have you, that I could kiss you once more and I wanted to fight. You made me want to live through this. As a Shadowhunter, I've never felt that way before. My life never meant anything important until I met you. Until I belonged to you. And Clary, I've always belonged to you. And I never want to belong to anyone else.  
It's funny how the moment you finally invest in your own life, is the very moment you die. The man who raised me, who taught me how to be strong, and how to fight, drove a sword though my stomach. I didn't know until then that he would actually do it. That he would actually kill me. I remember being surrounded by darkness and then suddenly I heard your voice calling my name. Your voice is the voice that pulled me out of darkness. Your voice brought me back to you. When I found out how you could have asked the Angel for anything but you asked for me, I never felt more special. Out of anything in the whole world, the thing you wanted more than anything was myself. My heart felt complete because you loved me. And that's all I ever wanted.  
I've come so close to loosing you within the five years that I've known you. It kills me everyday knowing you could leave me and never come back, that each kiss could be our last. But your bravery and courage to save the ones you love is what makes you different than every other girl. It makes me love you more than anything. Keeping you locked up would get rid of the very thing that makes me want to locked you up. It would rid you of your passion," for the first time in his long speech he makes a pause and holds my hands a little tighter as a teardrop trickles down his face, "the war that happened four years ago killed me inside. It ripped up every bit of heart of my as I watched that man tear you apart and slowly kill you. It was the worst day in my entire life as I watched you die there and I could do nothing but wish someone would find us. Someone would save us. We lost so much in that short period of time and in that moment I thought I would loose you too. And it would have been my fault. My horrible fault for coming back, for being used by Lilth and then Sebastian, for turning you into him, stupid enough to believe it would save you. I would have never lived with myself if you had died that day. I knew after that I would never leave your side again. I promise, Clary that I will always be there for you and protect you. I will always love you no matter what. Even if I don't believe you should love me or when I feel hopeless. Because you're the best thing that ever happened to me. Life doesn't have meaning without you."  
It wasn't as if had never heard those words before. Most he had told me at the time the occurred five years ago. But hearing him telling me all of it at one time, a tear struck down my cheek. How could I be so lucky to have as close to a perfect man as possible love me as much as he did? I loved him yesterday. I loved him still. I have and always will. He and I smiled, looking into each others hand as I opened my mouth to speak.  
"Jace Lightwood. Not Morgenstern or Herondale or Wayland. You've always been Jace Lightwood and you always will," I stopped and looked out at the crowd. A lot of them were crying now after Jace's speech. I had prepared to do the same. To go over how I fell in love with him. To tell our love story within my eyes. But Jace already knew it. He told it then perfectly.  
"Look, I could talk about my time with you, my love for you for days, maybe weeks. You are the most important man in my life. You are the most important person in my life. And you always will be. But can I be honest? When I was younger, I loved to dream of what my Fairytale ending would be. I would get married to a perfect man, a rich man. We would live in a mansion and I would paint and have kids and everything would be perfect. None of this was apart of that Fairytale. That's because Fairytale endings simply don't exist. Sometimes your dad turns out to be the biggest disappointment you'd ever imagined. Sometimes your brother is evil and wants to kill you on several occasions. Sometimes your mother and your best friend dies. Sometimes you almost die. Sometimes you just want to go to your room and cry or paint, shutting yourself out of the world forever. Life isn't a Fairytale. But Fairytale's are boring. The princess always marries the prince because that's what is supposed to happen. They never talk about love or family. They never talk about strength. Within five years, I have lived life more than I ever had before. And I know now that I don't want the Fairytale ending. I want the ending with flaws in it. Because the Fairytale ending wouldn't have led me here. I wouldn't be standing here in pretty much the most beautiful dress I've ever worn, in front of everyone I love even if some of them are no longer with us, holding hands getting ready to marry the man I love. He's not perfect. He thinks about himself and his hair way too much. He makes the most sarcastic remarks. He sometimes tends to be suicidal and sometimes I don't know if he'll come home the next morning. He makes me want to scream but he also makes me want to laugh. He makes me want to love. Because he's me. He does anything for people he loves and tends not to listen to people much. He's beautiful. And I love him. And I couldn't imagine anyone better. This is not the Fairytale ending I dreamed of. This is better. And I wouldn't change it for anything," I took out my stele and grabbed Jace's hand drawing the symbol that bounded us. He took mine and drew the same. And like that I was no longer Clary Fray. I was Clary Lightwood and I couldn't be happier.  
I smiled the biggest smile ever as his lips met mine.


End file.
